Too Many Fish in the Sea?

The Hidden Struggles of Choice in Dating

Modern dating has opened the door to more opportunities than ever before. Apps, online platforms, and events make it possible to connect with countless people — from nearby neighbourhoods to across the world. On the surface, this abundance of choice should make dating easier. But many singles today feel overwhelmed, stuck, and even discouraged.

Psychologists call this phenomenon choice overload, and it’s reshaping the way we approach relationships. Below, we’ll explore what the research and relationship experts say about why too many options can make dating harder — and how you can navigate it with clarity and confidence.

1. The Paradox of Choice

Barry Schwartz, psychologist and author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less (2004), explains that while some choice is good, too much choice often leads to decision paralysis. Faced with endless possibilities, people struggle to make a decision at all.

In dating, this can look like endless swiping, hesitation to commit, or always wondering: “What if there’s someone better just around the corner?”

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert at Northwestern University, notes that when singles adopt this mindset, they risk treating dating like online shopping rather than building real connections. The constant search for “something better” often prevents us from investing in what’s right in front of us.

More options don’t always lead to better outcomes — they can keep us from choosing at all.

2. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and Unrealistic Expectations

Too many choices can trigger FOMO (fear of missing out), making people worry that by committing to one person, they’ll miss someone else who might be “better.”

Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel points out that modern culture tends to push us toward perfectionism — in love as much as in work or lifestyle. But she emphasizes that “every relationship is a negotiation between individuality and togetherness” and that real love is about growth, not flawlessness.

Instead of focusing on shared values and long-term compatibility, many singles get caught up in minor details or curated profiles. This “perfection trap” leads to quick dismissals, shallow judgments, and missed opportunities for meaningful relationships.

FOMO and the pursuit of perfection keep us chasing ideals instead of embracing real, imperfect connection.

3. Emotional Burnout and Decision Fatigue

When faced with constant choices, people experience what psychologists call decision fatigue. Dr. Sheena Iyengar, a Columbia University professor who researches choice, has shown that people who are forced to make too many decisions in a row become mentally and emotionally exhausted — and often make worse decisions as a result (Iyengar, 2010).

Applied to dating, this shows up as “swipe fatigue.” Singles report feeling emotionally drained from browsing endless profiles, starting dozens of conversations, and filtering through options. Over time, this fatigue can cause people to disengage altogether, leading to apathy, lowered self-esteem, and cynicism about dating.

Endless choice creates burnout, leaving singles too exhausted to connect meaningfully.

4. Shallow Interactions vs. Deep Connection

Matthew Hussey, speaker and dating coach, warns that dating apps can foster a “replaceability” mindset — the belief that if one date doesn’t feel perfect, you can simply move on to the next. This shallow approach undermines the patience and vulnerability required to build intimacy.

True connection requires time, curiosity, and investment. But when options feel endless, it’s tempting to avoid that work. As a result, many daters end up with a string of short-lived encounters rather than relationships that grow deeper over time.

Treating people as disposable “options” prevents the development of intimacy and long-term connection.

5. Finding Clarity in the Chaos

While choice overload is real, experts agree that there are ways to manage it:

• Set intentions, not checklists. Dr. Alexandra Solomon encourages singles to focus less on finding a “perfect partner” and more on how they want to show up in dating — with openness, curiosity, and authenticity.

• Limit your options. Dr. Sheena Iyengar’s research shows people make better choices when given fewer options. Try focusing on one or two meaningful connections at a time instead of juggling many.

• Prioritize values over features. Esther Perel reminds us that long-term compatibility is built on shared values, not surface-level traits like hobbies or height.

• Take breaks when needed. If you feel burned out, step away. Pausing allows you to reset emotionally and return with more clarity.

The abundance of options in modern dating feels empowering, but it often backfires. With too many choices, singles fall into decision paralysis, perfectionism, or burnout — making meaningful connections harder to achieve.

6. Why In-Person Opportunities Can Help

While apps and online platforms make it easy to meet people, they also fuel many of the struggles we’ve covered — choice overload, perfectionism, and shallow interactions. In-person opportunities, on the other hand, often create a more natural and focused environment for connection.

a. Fewer, more intentional choices. Research on decision-making shows that people feel more satisfied when they have a manageable number of options (Iyengar, 2010). At a live event or mixer, you’re not sifting through thousands of profiles. Instead, you’re meeting a handful of people face-to-face, which naturally limits choice and reduces decision fatigue.

b. Authentic impressions. Dr. Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, has noted in multiple studies that people form a more accurate impression of attraction and compatibility within the first few minutes of in-person interaction than through online profiles or messaging. Body language, tone of voice, and real-time conversation reveal what apps often can’t.

c. More accountability and depth. Meeting in person encourages people to show up as themselves, not as a curated version of their online identity. It also fosters accountability — it’s harder to “ghost” someone you’ve met face-to-face compared to someone you’ve only texted.

d. Shared experiences. Whether it’s a mixer, church small group, or community event, in-person settings often revolve around shared activities or conversations. These create organic opportunities for connection that feel more genuine than swiping.

By reducing choice overload and encouraging authentic, real-world connection, in-person opportunities help singles move past the paralysis of online dating and build relationships rooted in presence and depth.

By learning to slow down, focus, and prioritize depth over quantity, daters can overcome the trap of choice overload. As Barry Schwartz reminds us, “Satisfaction comes not from endless searching, but from the ability to embrace and commit to what we choose.”

Sources Cited:

• Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. Harper Perennial.

• Iyengar, S. S. (2010). The Art of Choosing. Twelve.

• Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.

• Solomon, A. (2017). Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. Norton.

• Hussey, M. (2013). Get the Guy. HarperCollins.

• Fisher, H. (2016). The Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. W. W. Norton & Company.