Ghosting & Flaky Behavior

How to Navigate Modern Dating Disappointments

You’re talking with someone new, the chemistry feels promising, and you’re looking forward to where it might lead. Then suddenly—silence. No explanation, no goodbye, just unanswered texts and a slow fade until you’re left wondering what went wrong. Or maybe you’ve been strung along with vague promises of “let’s hang out soon” that never materialize.

These experiences—ghosting and flaky behaviour—are unfortunately common in modern dating. According to research, nearly 80% of millennials and Gen Z daters have experienced ghosting at least once (Koessler, Kohut, & Campbell, 2019). But while ghosting has become normalized, its emotional impact shouldn’t be dismissed.

This blog explores why ghosting hurts so deeply, the psychology behind why people do it, and how to respond in healthy, empowering ways.

1. Why Ghosting and Flakiness

Hurt So Much

At its core, ghosting is a form of social rejection. When someone disappears without explanation, it creates a unique kind of pain rooted in uncertainty. Unlike a clear breakup, ghosting leaves us with unanswered questions—Did I do something wrong? Were they not interested? Did something happen to them?

Psychologists note that uncertainty is one of the hardest emotional states for the brain to process. Dr. Jennice Vilhauer (2020) explains that our minds crave resolution; without it, we cycle through rumination, replaying conversations and analyzing every detail. This mental loop prolongs distress.

Research also shows that rejection—whether from a breakup, exclusion, or ghosting—activates the same brain regions as physical pain (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). That’s why ghosting doesn’t just feel disappointing; it can feel gut-wrenching.

Therapist Julie Shafer (2021) adds that ghosting “undermines our sense of relational safety” because it erodes the expectation that people will treat us with basic respect. This violation of trust compounds the pain.

Flakiness, while less abrupt, has a similar impact over time. Repeated cancellations signal a lack of reliability, which psychologists say can trigger feelings of rejection, abandonment, and diminished self-worth.

2. Why People Ghost or Flake (And Why It’s Not About You)

One of the most empowering realizations is that ghosting usually has little to do with you. Experts consistently emphasize that ghosting reflects the other person’s limitations, not your value.

• Avoidance of Discomfort: Dr. Leah LeFebvre (2019), who studies digital communication, found that people ghost as a way to avoid awkwardness or conflict. Instead of communicating disinterest directly, they disappear to sidestep temporary discomfort—ironically creating more hurt in the long run.

• Attachment Styles: Individuals with avoidant attachment tendencies often pull away when intimacy builds, ghosting instead of facing vulnerability (Koessler et al., 2019).

• Emotional Immaturity: Relationship coach Matthew Hussey (2017) points out that ghosting often signals someone is not emotionally equipped for a relationship. It’s not that they didn’t see your value—it’s that they weren’t prepared to rise to the level of honesty required for mature dating.

• Personality Factors: Some research even links ghosting approval to narcissism and other “dark triad” traits (Jonason et al., 2021). Those high in these traits often view relationships transactionally and exit without concern for the emotional fallout.

In short: ghosting is almost always a reflection of their character, skills, and readiness, not a referendum on your worth.

3. How to Heal and Respond Wisely

While you can’t control others’ behaviour, you can control how you respond and protect your well-being. Therapists recommend a multi-layered approach:

Acknowledge the Hurt

Instead of brushing it off with “it’s fine,” allow yourself to grieve. Dr. Shafer (2021) notes that naming emotions like sadness, frustration, or confusion helps your brain regulate them. Journaling, prayer, or talking with a trusted friend can validate your experience.

Redefine Closure

Waiting for closure from someone who ghosted you is like waiting for a refund from a store that went out of business. Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer (2020) encourages people to create closure for themselves. This might mean writing down the lessons you learned, reframing the relationship as practice for discernment, or sending one respectful message (e.g., “I wish you the best”)—without expectation of reply.

Set Boundaries

Therapist Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby (2022) advises blocking or muting ghosters if their digital presence triggers repeated distress. Boundaries aren’t about punishment; they’re about protecting your peace and creating space to move forward.

Practice Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff (2003), the leading researcher on self-compassion, found that people who respond to rejection with self-kindness bounce back faster. Instead of spiralling into self-blame, affirm: “This hurt, but I am still worthy of love and respect.”

4. Spotting Patterns Early

Experts encourage daters to watch for red flags before ghosting or flakiness becomes a pattern. Signs include:

• Inconsistency between words and actions. Promises don’t align with follow-through.

• Vagueness in plans. They’re enthusiastic in messages but non-committal about meeting.

• Frequent last-minute cancellations. Life happens, but repeated no-shows without effort to reschedule suggest low respect.

• Deflection around conflict. If they can’t answer simple questions about boundaries or expectations, they may struggle with direct communication.

Dr. Shafer suggests asking gentle but revealing questions early, such as: “How do you usually handle it when you’re not feeling a connection with someone?” Their answer can offer clues about their communication style.

5. Why In-Person Spaces Help

Ghosting thrives in digital spaces, where accountability is low and profiles are disposable. That’s why many therapists recommend shifting at least part of your dating efforts offline.

Face-to-face environments—such as social mixers, church events, or hobby groups—encourage more authentic interactions. Research shows that in-person connections build trust more effectively than digital-only interactions (Van ’t Wout & Sanfey, 2008).

Relationship therapist Esther Perel (2017) explains that when you meet someone in person, your brain processes nonverbal cues like eye contact, tone, and body language, which foster empathy and make people less likely to vanish without explanation.

If online dating has left you discouraged, investing in real-world spaces can be a powerful antidote. These environments often filter out those seeking quick thrills and attract individuals more serious about building real connections.

Ghosting and flaky behaviour may be common, but they don’t have to define your dating journey. By understanding the psychology behind them, recognizing they’re not a reflection of your worth, and responding with boundaries and self-compassion, you can guard your heart while staying hopeful.

The right person won’t disappear or cancel repeatedly. They’ll show up consistently, with respect and intention. Until then, remind yourself: someone else’s silence does not diminish your voice, your value, or your future.

References

• Bobby, L. M. (2022). Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love. Harmony.

• Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why rejection hurts: A common neural alarm system for physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294–300.

• Hussey, M. (2017). Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve. Harper.

• Jonason, P. K., et al. (2021). Personality predictors of ghosting. Personality and Individual Differences, 176, 110787.

• Koessler, R. B., Kohut, T., & Campbell, L. (2019). When your boo becomes a ghost: The association between ghosting and distress. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(10), 3055–3076.

• LeFebvre, L. E. (2019). Ghosting as a relationship dissolution strategy in the digital age. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(6), 1797–1818.

• Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

• Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.

• Shafer, J. (2021). Coping with ghosting. Therapy Insights Blog.

• Van ’t Wout, M., & Sanfey, A. G. (2008). Friend or foe: The effect of implicit trustworthiness judgments in social decision-making. Cognition, 108(3), 796–803.

• Vilhauer, J. (2020). How to move on without closure. Psychology Today.